My relationship with the scale has never been a good one.
Actually, I've always struggled with my body image. Too often I would equate my worth with my weight or feel bad about the way I looked because of the number that appeared on the scale after I stepped onto it. I tucked the scale away, hidden inside of a bathroom cabinet. I didn't want to see it. I was just a reminder, a reminder that I wasn't at my "ideal" weight.
In 2015 this relationship really hit a boiling point. I had rapidly gained weight. I didn't know how much weight I had gained but I could see the physical changes in my body, it was apparent. I had bloating in my lower abdomen, and since I recently stopped taking birth control I thought that there could be a chance that I was pregnant. I took a pregnancy test and waited. It was negative.
In addition to all of the physical changes, I was experiencing some psychological changes, too. I was sleeping well into the afternoon. I was having a hard time getting out of bed. Daily activities like taking a shower or getting ready for the day were exhausting. I also started drinking heavily. I was drinking about a bottle of wine, or more, to myself regularly. Not every night, but a lot of nights.
I couldn't explain these changes. They all happened so quickly. I was unhappy with the direction my life was going. This wasn't me. I couldn't explain what was happening. So I did my best to make changes. These changes came slow at first. I stopped drinking at home. I started walking and just being more active in general. During the time that all of this was happening I never stopped working out completely. I would take a spin class every now and then or go for short runs. There weren't that many changes in my lifestyle so I was having a hard time narrowing down why I gained so much weight and why I gained it so quickly. I just attributed it to other things like making bad choices about what I was eating.
Then I got engaged. It sounds so basic but I knew I couldn't show up to my wedding and stand in front of all of my family and friends (and even be photographed) in my current state. I decided that I needed to take the scale out from the bathroom cabinet. I pulled it out, placed it on the floor and took a good look at myself in the mirror. I stepped on. The numbers 210 started back at me. I stepped off, almost in shock. I knew that this wasn't my heaviest. I had already started making positive changes in my life before this point and I could tell that I had been losing weight, even without the scale telling me.
In the summer of 2016 I went all out. I completely overhauled my diet. I addition to losing the booze I cut out all junk food (basically anything that comes in a box or that is pre-packaged) dairy products, and most gluten. I started working out more frequently, too. I incorporated a mix of bootcamp-style workouts, spin and cardio, boxing, and running workouts into my routine.
About a year later I was down 45-pounds. It wasn't easy, but it was entirely worth it. However, during all of this I had no idea that my rapid weight gain could be attributed to more than just what I was eating and how much I was exercising.
See, I only learned recently that birth control can keep symptoms of Adenomyosis contained. I didn't even think that going off of birth control would have a drastic affect on my body and my hormones, because I wasn't diagnosed with #Adenomyosis. And the bloating that I was experiencing, and still experience today, are flare ups caused by the condition. These flare ups are triggered by alcohol and some other foods and can make a woman's lower abdomen bloat to the point where she looks pregnant. The severe bloating can also flare at different points of a woman's menstrual cycle. Just look at the hashtag #endobelly to really see what I'm talking about.
Additionally, #pituitarytumors can result in hypopituitarism, a deficiency of one or more of the pituitary hormones. These deficiencies can affect many of the body's routine functions. Some symptoms include fatigue and loss of energy, dizziness, and weight gain.
I was experiencing these symptoms. But I couldn't connect the symptoms to anything because I wasn't diagnosed. I thought I just gained weight. I thought I was just tired.
It was like I was battling against my body to lose and maintain weight. Despite a not-so-bad (but not perfect!) diet and some exercise my hormones were fighting back.
There are still days where getting out of bed is a struggle. And there are still days where I am so fatigued that taking a shower feels like running 5K. Today I'm taking medication to help minimize my pituitary tumor and control how much prolactin hormone is released from my pituitary gland. I still experience bloating and flare ups if I eat or drink anything that falls outside of the anti-inflammatory category. Getting diagnosed and learning everything that came after my diagnosis gave me a better understanding about my body.
And now when it comes to my relationship with the scale, I guess you could say that we broke up but it's amicable.
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